WAITING IN VAIN
Someone made a promise to me. I was so hopeful about that promise that I wouldn’t end the day without thinking that about “the promise”. I don’t know what to expect, but to expect that he’ll not break his promise. It’s been more than a month already and until now no promise comes to my face. I just can’t seem to understand why am I very hopeful that he will come up to me and say it. False hope. Maybe, I’m just dreaming or what. Maybe I am just gullible. Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic and still believe in “love never dies” or “love is lovelier the second time around” thing. Well, hell yeah! I do! I still believe in the magic of love. This magical feeling that I feel every time I think about it. The goose bumps it gives me whenever I embrace the fact that he’s here and he could be somehow thinking about me too. I can’t say no to love, I can’t resist the feeling that would let me feel that I am truly alive! But these are all dreams, all pretension and the fact that until now he hasn’t come to see me yet. So, does it mean that it was just false hope or a promise of nothing? Whatever. I will still believe and hope that he will keep his promise. Why am I so pathetic? I pity myself because this is the love that I let go a long time ago. I can’t win him back anymore. But I just want to see him face to face and say that I am sorry and I still love him with all my heart. I can’t turn back the time, but I can still do one more thing. I can still tell him that I love him and he doesn’t need to love me back. I just want to release the feeling that I’ve held on to more than a decade ago. Maybe this is fate. Maybe, my love was strong and I do not see any other love but his. I am just merely cheating myself out of this situation but I can’t resist this strong feeling that I still have for him. My cheating heart is saying that I want him back at all cost. But I am not insane to hurt someone just to fulfill this great emotion. This love is unbearable. I admit that if he left without seeing me means that he no longer care for what we’ve had before. All the time I tell myself that it was a wrong decision. I was too young then and the fact that I am avoiding to get married young. But avoiding that situation has made me miserable. If fate has come to make me more miserable then how would I not drown myself of loneliness and how would I find someone to love more than I loved him. Unfair. Deceitful. Cheating. All full of lies. Sadness. Emptiness. All of these I am now, hurting everyday. Drowning with the biggest mistake that I’ve made in my life. I am here waiting in vain…waiting, maybe for nothing…the clock ticks and time passes by, I am still hoping that he would come and see me. If he would leave again without seeing me then maybe it’s enough waiting in vain for me. I would cry myself to sleep again. And it’s just that I didn’t make connections again with him. Regrets again.
